today,

I've finally accepted that

i'm afraid of commitment.

of any sort.

remember

picking you up from econolodge hotel after my birthday dinners i attended.

going to walmart and buying the junk food we barely even ate.

getting to my empty house at about 10:30 and making your scrumptious mac and cheese you're so good at preparing.

eating it while watching Paper Hearts and slowly letting our eyes get heavy.

looking at each other, rubbing our heads, claiming how we're old women. how we're always tired extremely early.

chip dog.

waking up dozens of times in the night, suffocatingly hot.

waking up; 'no laughing in the morning' with sleepy smiles smeared across our faces

walking into my kitchen and making orange cinnamon rolls - 8 of them.

sitting on my couch for 2 hours, eating every single one of our cinnamon rolls, watching america's next top model like i do every saturday of my life.

finally putting on jeans and our hoodies to go get the valentines day cake for my parents who were out of town. we slept alone in my empty house.

making a pit stop at atomic pop?

getting back and not wanting to stay inside because it was 55 degrees that day.

back in my car, drive to your house.

go to the beadery. take pictures with diana, chitty chat with theresa.

a woman asked if i was reese's sister.

crawl back into monica, sip from the big white cup we filled with water.

drive.

decide to go knock on the door of the four-story house we've always admired.

we just ran out of scooby snacks............ we ate all 1o.

pull into the driveway of that house. park my car.

it's an apartment building sort of house. they all share a main door. the one that was swung wide open. there was a porch swing, and you kept telling me you thought the house was haunted.

approach the door, knock, ring the doorbell. no one answers. maybe another day.

leaving, turning onto berry -

"he's cute.... TAYLOR!"

following him, honking and smiling in our big sunglasses. yours made of antique glass, mine reflective. you gave them to me.

driving baaaackkk and forrrttth watching him wash his car. we had so much time, why not creep on him? we did this about 6 times to be exact.

finally deciding to go to our first mcdonalds pee break of the day.

afterwards deciding that we need to go to the asian market in the city.

stop for gas and squishies as my brother always calls them.

driving up there with the windows down, wind through our hair.

meeting kyler in the parking lot.

walking through the market at all of the colors, all of the pushy people, all of the duck heads and pork hearts. the cooked octopus.

kyler tried to get the little pores to suction to his finger, haha.

leaving, we followed kyler to his house in yukon to get the presents he had for you.

'just 15 minutes away.'

?

30 minutes later, arriving at his house, you get a bracelet with a little red bird sewn on.

he was late for church.

we headed back to norman after our second mcdonalds pee break of the day.

in the midst of driving, we get a call from michael. he's with kathleen and graham.

dinner in bricktown with all of them. ryan josh graham kathleen gab michael you me.

chilenos.

after dinner and conversation,

gab asking kathleen about her tattoo on her ankle,

we leave.

we walk back to my car we paid 8 dollars to park.

michael follows me in his little orange mustang to the gas station.

we pee. again.

you get in his car and we depart for the first time in 24 hours.

he takes you home safely on I-35.

I drive right on through to noble to meet kayla - colby's girlfriend.

in terri's kitchen, my phone breaks. drops to the floor and the screen is fried. it's okay, just a phone.

follow zac and kayli back to their house to get the blackberry.

my eyes are so heavy. i'm weary.

kayli and i go to walmart and buy redvines and a valentines card.

we drive back.

i'm home by 12.

i don't remember falling asleep.

i don't remember getting into bed.

i remember him telling me that celia approves. who's celia?

maybe i just can't see it

WHERE DID YOU GO?

what happeneeeeedddddddddddddddddddddddddd

where are youuuuuuuuu

:/

no one has to fight the haziness of you

because you're so boldly different.

but where did you go?

turning purple

i don't think i belong here, with my little red heart on my pinky.

along with my chipping, wine-colored nails. I don't belong here.

i'm not done

i wore my mom's sweater today. black/white mix. white stripe around the left arm.

I've gotten more compliments on it than anything i own. i feel so comfortable in it. it smells just like she always does. it's big, it's got nice buttons, and i want to own it.

my stomach is burning, and i'm so curious and nervous. what are you really thinking, why did you step into my life so suddenly and where are we headed?

i wonder what you're thinking.

what's in your head?

where did everyone go.

i want to learn all there is to know about the people i don't know.

maybe im hungry.

maybe i want tea.

maybe i'm scared.

maybe i miss you, and our constant conversations.

maybe.

-------

I went to lifestream tonight. It's tuesday.

It was incredible, and I loved the freedom of praise and worship. having so much space and not feeling constricted to a small area. i had room.

"In all my life, every season, You are still God"

the topic was on "the bed". How girls should respect their bodies more, and realize the beauty and value that God has placed in us. How we should find our independence in Christ instead of earthly beings.

That's the thing that stood out the furthest that, still to this day, I'm trying to digest.

God, tonight, please give me rest.

please.

i just wanna go to the ocean.

i just want to go somewhere after sitting in a car for days. travelling, windows down and loud music. i don’t want to eat anything, i want to drink tea. you can come with me, i guess. when we make it to the shore, we never have to move. we don’t have to please anyone except maybe each other. that’s no chore though. we can write in our notebooks, listen to music, make bracelets. at night, when the breeze rushes over the waves and through our hair, we can protect our skin by wrapping my quilt around our shoulders. close our eyes and look up to feel the on our faces. we can wear the same clothes everyday and not care. who are we pleasing? where did we leave our shoes? our make up? our phones are lost in the water and our pen has replaced it’s place in our pockets.

re stacks

sometimes i like having braces.

i really don't care.

i want to be warm and in the ocean somewhere.

i don't want to shower ever again.

i'm too dry and too clean and too flowy.

let me just beeeee and sitttt and reaaaaadddddd

i cannot wait for this cold to be far away from us.

cannot. wait.