never here

remind me not to reminisce about the past. teach me to push back everything about how stable you were. how literally, you were everything i would imagine ever being with, anything that would ever make me happy. i need to forget that, i don't want to ruin anything. nor do i even have the power to. but after years and years, i want to eat vegetarian food with you. ride bikes or let you swim in the morning. i don't know, this is all silly and i'm never going to voice anything about this ever except for this moment. i need to push back every movie we didn't see, or any time that i wiped my eyes with other people's sleeves because of you.
i need to look forward to the long nights under the green cloud with the person that isn't going to panic about it. they aren't going to panic about the smoke or my fleeting nature or the fact that sometimes i want to be left alone. someone willing to go downstairs and make me coffee. someone willing to tuck themselves in next to me and buy me my favorite books for christmas on a whim. damnit, this isn't about you. i need someone easy, yet stable. someone i don't know, yet need everything they embody.
i keep dreaming, and i will.

always gone from here

remember when my hair wasn't to my collar, or when my hands, legs, face wasn't rough, dry and untouched? when my hair wasn't green. when i knew how to love, and it wasn't the hardest thing to let someone in. to accept their insecurities to embrace them?
i let love in and i hold onto it, but one wrong turn and i want to crawl up into my attic that i have planned for myself. i want to take some coffee-drinking stranger into my quilted bed and just lay there. or talk about books over hot tea in my lamp-lit room. i don't want you to tell me about earthworms, don't talk about your year of intoxication. i need someone ready to accept that i run away in eighteen different directions. i'm sorry, my red flag is up always and you know this. you're already scared and i'm already gone.